Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pooping to opera.
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