shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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