I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
