My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You are a genius and a whore.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
