Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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