he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
