The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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