I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
