WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
