I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
