i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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