But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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