What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
