drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
