I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Are we still banned from the library?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
