That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
