the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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