I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
