Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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