My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
