You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
