Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
