i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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