why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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