we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
