I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
