her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
