my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My vagina just recognized that song.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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