walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
