My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
