How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
