I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
