I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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