he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
