im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize