dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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