You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
