Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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