I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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