May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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