Four minutes until I can fart!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
