You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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