I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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