The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
