O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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