I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
