guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
