He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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