did you get engaged???
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
