I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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