Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
