Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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