I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
