I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Green mimosas i think yes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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