You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
