1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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