nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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