You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
